I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
