His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
