a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
