I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
