Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
