I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i think i scared a bird with my dick
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
