How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize