Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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