OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
