Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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