i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize