My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
