you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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