i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize