I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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