he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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