before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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