so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
dude. I can hear the air.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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