i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Randomize
