Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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