she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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