I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize