a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So much rum. So many feels.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
