I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
