im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
