2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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