problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
