I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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