I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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