Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
