Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Four minutes until I can fart!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
