Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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