I'm lost and stupid without you.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
