it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
