eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
