Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
