Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
