You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
This baby is an asshole
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
