I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
