she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
