I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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