I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
