it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize