just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
