OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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