Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
