I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
