Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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