I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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