I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize