I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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