I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
