If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
