Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize