Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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