I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
