Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize