So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
