I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
