If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
