She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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