I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so let's talk penis.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize