And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
