I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
