I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
