just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
