I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
