he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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