Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
