Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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