I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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