Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize