i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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