I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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